In an aimless attempt to tap into the “Real Housewives of…” market, Channel 7 has incredulously decided to drag viewing audiences to their network with their own
unscripted version titled “Yummy Mummies” premiering Sunday night at 9pm.
Yummy Mummies assaults viewers with their bland and tedious lives of four soon-to-be-mums who live their days through their “MelbourneYumMums” Instagram page, drinking mocktails at lunch and doing a lot of shopping for designer maternity wear while contemplating how “everyday pregnant women let themselves go during pregnancy”.
At first glimpse, there’s not much substance to the three Melbourne based nearly mums. While they seem like a lot of fun, there’s no talk of maternity leave or any sign these women have some form of a career outside of going to lunch and when it comes to finances, there’s no shame shown when talking about how the hubby will happily pay for a $99,000 “push present” aka a rare diamond ring.
Yummy Mummy number one is Lorinska, an AFL WAG, married to former Carlton player Andrew Merrington and is a behemoth of a woman who towers above the other two nearly mums. At 33 weeks pregnant, Lorinska has a very valid fear of breastfeeding her soon to be off-spring after a humiliating and traumatic cow-teet-to-the-face moment in her childhood. Lorinska is also the only “yummy mummy” not afraid to look a little more casual during some of her cut screen commentaries.
Yummy Mummy number two is Rachel, a…..well not much is offered on Rachel except she’s a) heavily pregnant, b) gives great Carrie Bradshaw face, c) is the only “yummy mummy” who doesn’t look like a chupa chup who swallowed it’s chupa chup and d) likes to scare breast feeding phobic nearly mums with tales of alien-esque post birth scenarios.
Yummy Mummy number three is Jane, a model who’s married to South Yarra hairdresser Joey Scandizzo and is the only “yummy mummy” to actually be on her second pregnancy. It’s hard to hate on Jane because she’s very pretty, rocks a posh yet bogan twang and reminds me way to much of Karen Smith from Mean Girls.
While we are being introduced to the Melbourne gang, we are also invited to meet “Yummy Mummy” Maria from Adelaide along with her mum
Patsy Stone Margherita (this show’s true and not-so-secret secret star) and her younger sister Bianca who seems like Kendall Jenner before Kendall Jenner became Kendall Jenner.
Maria is many months pregnant (I can’t for the life of me remember how far along she is or if it’s even mentioned – actually I don’t really care) and has already mapped out her unborn daughters life up-to the age where she’ll be resented for the rest of her life. From Burberry to Versace, as long as it’s branded and cost more than my annual wage, then Maria has bought it for her unborn child.
Maria is all about style over substance, she’s branded her partner with her name in ink and believes breast feeding in public is or should be illegal and is not a fan of counter-fake (yes, her words) handbags.
Maria is also the reason why the Melbourne based “Yummy Mummies” end up in Radeliade – to attend her uber tacky and garishly over the top Burberry-come-Versace themed baby shower as Maria, it seems has no friends and needs to invite three total strangers to this event in an attempt to show off and feel good about her vapid life.
Bridezilla’s are a thing of the past with Mumzilla Maria throwing tantrum after tantrum in regards to planning her most glamorous ever baby shower. From the size of the event room to ordering a big enough balloon arch, the theme of the baby shower to present table size, nothing is off limits in tantrum town.
There is one saving grace in this abhorrent show however – event planner Jess –
Jess is literally the ‘everyday person’s hero’ as she keeps composure through the stream of outrageous demands Maria vomits up in a single meeting. There’s not a single raised eyebrow and no glaringly forced smile as Jess has a reasonable solution for every demand.
Yummy Mummies really is truly terrible television. There’s no beating around the bush – it’s shit – but, it’s shit television that makes for twitter and social commentary gold and the fact that we still don’t make it to an actual baby shower by the end of this first episode will keep many shocked eyes on the following episode.
Yummy Mummies begins, Sunday night on Channel 7 at 9pm right after the House Rules finale…..